Quick before-sleep post.
Depression has a way of sneaking up on you. When you're at your happiest, with a group of people you consider a family, it suddenly grips you, sticking its claws into you, and drags you back to the "you're nothing" mindset. It tells you you're worthless even when you're at your best moments. It takes the tiniest of gaps, the quickest moment of letting your guard down, to come at you in full force.
I'm in Vanacouver. At Gatecon. I've been waiting for this Gatecon for two years, and this one is even more special than the previous one, because this time, MGM is in. Stargate Command is in the house. They've got their lounge, their panel, tons of awesome stuff for fans. They're right here.
For me, a lot of the past few years has been about trying to catch up. Thinking about all the things I've missed - Stargate cons, seeing the Stargate sets, tons of Stargate stuff - and racing from one event to another, trying to get the most of what's still out there. For me, this is the first year that MGM is back in the picture. First time that I get to see that for myself.
So obviously I'm thrilled. I'm excited. And I'm ridiculously happy.
And then today I got to meet the people behind Stargate Command (stargatecommand.co). And not only did I get to meet them - but they knew who I am. *They* were excited to meet *me*, which, frankly, I still can't wrap my head around. I mean, yeah, we've been talking on twitter for a while, but never in a million years did I think that they'd actually be excited to meet me. I still screencap every time SGC like a tweet of mine or something.
And it's been a pretty amazing day, even with the delays and stuff, simply because I got to meet all these awesome people, some of which I've been following for ages (David and Darren, the guys behind Gateworld). Which is mind-blowing as it is. And then to have some of them really excited about meeting me? What alternate universe did I stumble into?
And then the Banquet started. And for a very short moment, I had nothing else to think about. And as it always does, depression caught that loophole and laughed victoriously as it pointed out to me that I'm worthless and I'm nothing. And I just sat there, staring ahead, debating whether to go out to cry.
And as I always do in these situations, I tweeted about depression catching up on me. Because for the past few years, twitter has been the only place that I could sort of write anything and everything.
And Kieran, the SGC editor, saw it. And he just came and asked if I wanted to talk. And we went out and talked and it was utterly amazing. Here Depression was, telling me I'm worthless, and here's this awesome guy telling me I'm not. Listening to me and understanding me and telling me that it's not true. This man who's behind SGC.
So yeah, right now, I'm more grateful than I could possibly explain.