I've been traveling so my English is now taking over. I even thing in English.
Ans since there's no Hebrew keyboard here in this internet cafe I will keep with English for now.
Also cause I feel like it.
I have changed so much. I learned to know what I feel and then do what I feel
Since I feel a little stuck with my inner work (even though it's a process and I should have patience) I am constantly looking for new ways to reach deep inside and cure my agony and my soul's sicknesses.
I don't love myself nor do I feel like I deserved to be love.
But not in the teenager depression way, just inside my subconscious and inner spirit.
I don't know the cure for this.
My mind is almost 100% cured by now.
I can usually see clearly and understand myself and the environment.
But my soul has grown to be a self hating, self judging, unloved and unloving soul
And that is not something you could cure with your mind.
It's frustrating and feels unfair.
It's not fair that in order to describe how I feel I need to say things that my mind doesn't agree with.
And most people don't have enough space to consume and accept both your feelings and your opinion, given that they are different.
I feel stronger than before, but then people don't bother worrying for me.
And then I feel bad that I want them to worry because that's a symptom of my self non-loving and it touches my pain.
I don't know who is reading my blog.
Sometimes I have a secret wish that this information will reach everybody that I know..
and that they will come to be with loving understanding eyes and tell me it's ok
I'm 25, Iv'e been doing work with myself for about a year or two and I revealed a lot of things but I now I feel stuck.
It's like finding out you have cancer (tfu tfu tfu)
It's better then not knowing but it feels so hard to cure.
I deserve more then this. I do. My mind says so. But when I try to feel it... It's not there.
And I don't feel like I can do it alone.
I found out my issues, I cured a few patterns.. but now what? How do we go from here?
I feel trapped.
But I'm not giving up on myself.
I couldn't. That is also I subconscious belief I have - that I can't fail.
I am sad because of this. I feel agony for not going through this process before.
Even though I probably wasn't ready for it if it didn't happen.
I guess now is the time and I guess I'm on my path. but it's just so hard to change.
It's also hard that the one person that gave me unconditional love - now doesn't feel like giving me anything at all.
I'm left alone. Maybe I am not really alone but I'm definitely lonely.
I just wish someone would see through my strength and come ask how I am..
and just listen.
And I want to feel ok about feeling this want of mine, and not to feel the shame and self judgment and humiliation.
I have so much pain inside. so much happiness also.
I hope writing all of this will help me, because I really want to get better.
Still struggling but optimistic