Be careful with what you wish for.
I'm so shit-scared of everything, I'm even shit-scared to write these words.
But I have the exact words to describe the way I feel. It's as if my hands are tied to a car from one side, and my legs are tied to a second car from the other side. The engines are running all the time constantly threatening to tear me the fuck up.
We all have a purpose in this world, or so we like to believe. Walking by that line I'd say that I was put on this earth as a whore. Meant to please and satisfy, the "eat-me drink-me" type. The only difference is that whores at least get paid, I don't. I'm just stuck between two hot engines, and... that's it.
What is the meaning of life? is it a mold for us to pour in what we think is our meaning? because if so, this is all my fault. I did this to myself. I tied myself in these chains and now, and I'm extremely ashamed to ask this, am I allowed to regret? to withdraw? I this a question or rather a call for help?
I'm too scared to loose everything I have, the people that are closest to me. They'll never be pleased those damn engines. I could never be the ultimate best friend, the ultimate girlfriend. I can be a good partner for shits and giggles, I can be pretty awesome in bed. All the rest is mediocre or less. I'm never open enough, sincere enough. Always and always so mediocre, so Go-With-The-Flow just put me on the damn bus and I'll be there whether if it's Barcelona or up north in a little hotel. The concept of free will doesn't exist in me anymore. It feels like it never was in me. I'll go with the flow so badly I might confuse the sensation as free will.
Why can't I ever vocalize my words? why do they only sprout here on this God forsaken web page?
Why THE HELL am I such a chicken-shit?
If there's anyone reading this- I'm sorry for seven years of complaints, self-pity and just mental-masturbation with smart-ass words. And as to one of my questions... I'm afraid to do something stupid or irrational out of free will, so maybe this is a cry for help.
Or not. Who knows.